dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
