I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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