After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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