if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
