everyone is single if you try hard enough
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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