just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
