theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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