we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
