sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
