It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
