you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
