At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
