i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
