my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
