I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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