That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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