My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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