Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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