dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
