Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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