Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
