apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We smell like vodka and hangover
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