you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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