marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
organizing the empties. That sober.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
