i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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