Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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