Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
