you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
