im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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