The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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