My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
