she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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