Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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