dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
