Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
