her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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