You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
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I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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