i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
