I accidentally burped into my bong.
People in love make me want to vomit
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I just put wine in my tea
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
