Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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