god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
