Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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