hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
