i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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