I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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