I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
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i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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