I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
