i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
