I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
