I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
