Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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