just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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