I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
