I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
being pregnant is like rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize