Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
