One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
